Friday, April 3, 2009
Aphrodite's Temple: A Ladyboy's Perspective
I was born hermaphrodite (Intersex). For many years, the truth of this was hidden and kept secret. Doctors lied by omission. When I started having bleeding once a month after reaching puberty, Doctors would not tell me what was causing it, they only said that it was nothing to worry about and that it would eventually stop.
As a child, I did not feel like I was like other boys. I did not feel like I was like other girls either. I felt like I was an alien. When I first discovered the word androgyny, I realized finally what I was.
When a baby is first born, the first question usually asked is: "Is it a boy or a girl?" Gender is an integral part of our core identity. Even language reflects this: we are an "it" until we are assigned a gender. Once a gender is assigned, it influences powerful social forces upon us.
We live in a gender binary society. My true gender has been eradicated from existence at a legal level, a psychological level, and a physical (medical) level. In our society, there are only two genders that are allowed to exist, female and male.
The sexual reassignment surgery that doctors performed when I was an infant was a disservice. Gender is much more complex than just body parts. A few cosmetic surgeries cannot change one's true gender. Gender is much more complex, involving bone structure, brain chemistry, neurological wiring, hormones, and much more. Yet doctors did surgery and sent me into the world as a male. The problem is that I was not born male and I do not have all the necessary ingredients to be a male. I could go into a lot of technical details about biological gender building blocks, but that is not my purpose here. If you are interested, go to the Intersex Society of North America to learn more at: http://www.isna.org/.
A few cosmetic surgeries cannot change our true gender. I am not a male and I am not a female. I am a hermaphrodite, a blending of some female components and some male components. All the Psychological and Neurological testing confirm this. I am neurologically wired differently from females and males. I have twice the normal wiring between the hemispheres of my brain. I have EEG brainwave patterns that are unique. So even at the level of the brain, my brain does not have the normal sex characteristics that males and females have.
On the emotional level, I do not conform to gender stereotypes. I am highly sensitive. I have a high degree of empathy and intuition. I am aggressive and strong on an emotional level.
On a mental level, I have highly skilled advanced spatial reasoning capabilities and am able to perform well with multi-dimensional reasoning. Yet, I am deficient when it comes to two-dimensional reasoning. I can perform differential equations in calculus, but I am unable to do basic arithmetic functions of addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division.
At a neurological level, I am a hermaphrodite. Surgery cannot change this. On a hormonal level, I am hermaphrodite. This possibly could be altered using hormone therapy, but I am happy with my hermaphrodite mixture of female and male hormones.
In many ways, I am a paradox. I walk in the shadows of our modern culture. I am seen and yet not seen. When people truly notice me, they often do a double take. Am I a boy or a girl? What is this person standing before me?
I write about all this because I want to break the illusion that doctors created by making me appear male physically. Long ago I did try to fit in as a male, but since I was not born male, it was a dismal failure. Now I am happy identifying as a hermaphrodite. It is the truth and I will not be eradicated. In many ways, I am a boy with a clit. My body produces mixed pheromones and a mixture of sex fluids, creating an elixir of vaginal fluid and pre-cum drips, mixed hormones of my body bring union of desires.
In ancient societies all over the world, hermaphrodites weren't only recognized, but they had a place in the social structure. Often they were the shaman and the spiritual guides. They were acknowledged and seen as having gifts when it comes to spiritual matters. I now identify as a Prostitute Priestess, a Sacred Whore.
I have been running a Sacred Sex Temple for over 10 years for alternative communities. I have taken the Sacred Sex Temple to Flipside Burning Man, The Radical Faeries, the bisexual community, and to Pagan Gathering. My foundation for running the temple is from my knowledge of human sexuality and from my visions and experiences as a hermaphrodite.
I have studied human sexuality, Tantra, The Kama Sutra, sacred sexuality, and sex magick. I have studied sexual anatomy and physiology. I have become an expert in the area of human sexual expression and behavior. I have also studied psychosexual phenomenon as well as sex trances. Part of my studies has been through college courses and part has been through my own self-education.
As a hermaphrodite, I am able to have both male orgasms (ejaculatory) and female orgasms (both vaginal and clitoral). On rare occasions I have female and male orgasms simultaneously. For me, gender is fluid and I am able to shift from male to hermaphrodite to female. I have a body and spirit which includes elements from all genders.
I find it interesting that the word shaman is a derivative of she-male and that many shamans in the past were hermaphrodites. It is said that because a hermaphrodite walks the path of both female and male, it prepares them to walk the path of both the material world and the realm of the spirit.
When I was in my late teens, I had a vision that I would become a Sacred Whore and run a modern day Sacred Sex Temple. I somehow knew that this would become my life ambition. I am dedicated to working in the area of human sexuality and BDSM. Sex and BDSM can be healing on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. I know this from my own experience. I needed healing on all these levels because I grew up being perceived by others as a freak. Sometime during the healing process, I discovered that the "freak" is what the doctors created when they mutilated my genitals. I am a gift of nature. I am something rare and precious. I am a hermaphrodite.
From living in a sex-negative society, we all need nurturing, healing, and a safe space to express our sexual nature. I have learned to heal from experience. I am ready to provide my gifts to the world. I am ready to bring my gifts to those who partake in Aphrodite's Temple.
at 3:08 PM